Monday, 4 April 2016

Tidak boleh u-turn

Sudah agak lama sejak kali terakhir saya menulis di sini. Saya tidak mahu menceritakan sebab-sebab dengan teliti mengapa liat jari-jari ini mahu menaip lagi. Kerana setiap penjelasan itu akanhanya menyusur menjadi alasan bertimbun-timbun yang menjengkelkan orang lain. Segala 'kesibukan' itu, biarlah saya simpan dalam kocek kepala saya dulu.

Usia saya dah menginjak kepada 28 tahun. Suatu angka yang melepasi sistem suria bagi saya. Sebab semasa usia remaja, saya sering menganggap umur 23 sebagai puncak hidup. Yang selebihnya adalah tempoh tua. Dulu saya melihat orang berusia 25 sebagai orang tua. Sekarang saya terasa sangat 'awkward' dengan kenaifan dulu kerana dengan usia menghampiri angka 30-an sekarang ini, saya masih terasa tidak ada apa-apa yang berbeza dengan jiwa ini.

Barangkali, bukan, saya pasti semua orang pun begitu. Emak saya pun pasti sedang hidup dengan jiwanya yang sama semasa dia berusia 20-an dulu. Bezanya pertambahan hari dalam hidup membuatkan pemikiran dan pandangannya bertambah matang, dan pertambahan jarak dengan masa lalu menjadikan keremajaan semakin tinggal kenangan. Ah. Saya sangat berharap dapat berkenalan dengan emak saya yang berumur 28 tahun.

Suatu hari nanti kita akan saling meninggalkan. Sama ada saya pergi dulu atau awak pergi dulu, itu urusan Tuhan.

Kadang-kadang saya rasa sedih mengenangkan segalanya yang berubah antara saya dan...

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I am a weird person but not proud of it. Why am I saying so...?

I am living my life in such complicated manners. I am afraid of seeing people. My tongue twisted everytime I do my ordering at fastfood restaurants. I hardly pick up phone calls (and even make one). I practice and plan my words in my mind before making a conversation, even with my mom. I keep rethinking the idea to phone call her and the call never been made. Unless my husband forces me to do so. I feel as bad as the most coward person that ever lived in the world. It's not coward though. It's some sort of sickness and killing me inside.

I used to hate myself for this weird disease of my brain. But life is much bigger than that. I saw a lot of beautiful things inside it. The love from my husband and daughters make me grow stronger. And the love from Him of course, that always guide me from different ways that we humans are created for good reasons; to worship Him, to love, to take responsiblities, to see good things, and to appreciate imperfections. And of course, to adore His creation -ourselves.

I am struggling from this disorder I'm having since I was a kid. It wasn't as bad as its sound, but it wasn't as good as people see either.

I am not having good communications with you because of all of these. I believe most of my family members or friends thought that I have pushed them aside and living my peaceful life with my small family. I'm happy with my small family being here in my bubble with me indeed. It's just .that everybody else never leaves too. They live strongly in my brain and the memories I kept about them replaying the same tape everyday. I don't have the guts to even say hello to any of them. Probably thinking that I must be forgotten due to my silentness. I am sorry for putting the barrier between us using my imaginary causes. It feels to selfish to explain further.

And now, the things happen to us, I knew there was no turning back. Between your not-trusting-me-enough-decisions and my social-disorder, there is no turning back. I have a small promise of myself to make things good again between us. We both hurt. We both love each other ever since the days I lived in you.

I'm sorry if it is me, M.

T_T

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

It is called social anxiety disorder + introversion. Even now I still struggling with the same thing. Sampai satu tahap, I am considering to see a psychiatrist. I used to cry because of stress yang melampau that related to this social thing.

No worries, dont think about what other people think about you. There are still people that think highly of you. Fikir je yang kita ni dah dewasa, we have no time to berkepit with BFF all the time. We have our own life. We live our own life. But it doesnt mean that we forget them. We think about them every single day.

Cheers.

Auni Nur Fatin said...

Thank you!
I'm motivated by your words. Yup, still struggling. Tadi beli donut pun fail.
Bila ada org yg memahami, that's really a big thing. Thanks.